A Fairy Tale (when world's collide) - Plumb

We never talked about it
Cause you never even cared
And what you really wanted
I never even had
Cause what may seem right
And what may be wrong
Seems out of sight
In this place we belong
Giving everything

Giving everything for love
I'm finding out that itsnot enough
Theres nothing left between you and I
I'm finding faith but losing us (I'm losing us)
When worlds collide

Together we seem perfect
Afairy tale for sure
And looking on the outside
You'd never even know
We're just not right
When compromise is wrong
Seems out of sight
In thisplace we belong
Giving everything

Giving everything for love
I'm finding out that its not enough
There's nothing left between you and I
I'm finding faith but losing us (I'm losing us)
When worlds collide

We're just not right
When compromise is wrong
Seems out of sight
In this place we belong
Giving everything

Giving everything for love
I'm finding out that it's not enough
Theres nothing left between you and I
I'm finding faith but losing us (I'm losing us)
When worlds collide

(was singing this song in my head... i think my sub-conscious is quite conscious! hehe)

unsure

yes, that's the word for me today.

so unsure.

so i'm going with the flow, and accepting whatever decision is going to be made. i've realized that i can't fight it, and maybe, sometimes, you just have to go with the flow and not be bitter about how unfair it all is... because maybe, just maybe, that will be for the best.

Ge says i might have turned numb already, and that saddens me. because i don't want to be numb. i want to feel. no matter how much the pain... but then, the past month has made me numb. not only with Kit, but with my mom, my dreams, my past, my God... :(

sigh. maybe this is just a defense mechanism at work.

really, all i want is my happily ever after, whatever that is :)

say hello to my new best friend

I think i'll name it... Voltaire... heehee ;D i'll be legally owning it on Monday, and i cannot wait! :)


Cammie, meet Voltaire... I think they look perfect together... haha!








oh, don't forget Ashley, she wants to join the fun too!





hehe, so what if it's a mark of insanity to name your gadgets, i'm just so giddily happy! :D


My Nokia 3530 wants to join too, am not sure if i should still let him (hehe haven't gotten around to naming it, but yeah, it's definitely a guy) ...

no more fighting for

when a decision has already been made for you, it's quite hard to accept when it's not in your favor.

from the trivial to the crucial:
like my bonus
like grades in school
like losing my dad
like seeing my wrapped lunch
like not being able to do the stuff i want cause stuff need to be done for other people
and like losing sleep because of that
like how to love
like what i get for my birthday... or for Christmas

unfair. really. but yeah, that's how life goes. the question is, are you going to let them do the decisions for you all the time?

so here is my stand. no more fighting. and no more fighting for.

let's all act nonchalant about it and just not care anymore. i can be unfeeling... well, i can try to be unfeeling... haha!

i dont want to be angry. but i wont be all smiley happy about it either.

i am so tired of the men in my life saying they will be there, and they just leave... or they dont try everything to hang on. (right now, this refers to five people in my life, living and dead. count 'em five!)

i can't be strong for all of us. i'm no superhero either.

crappy crappy life

all that shit i've been talking about - balance? that's all crap. CRAP! haha!

i think i'm taking a turn for the worst. personally. i'm growing to be somebody i'm not proud to be. haha maybe growing is not the right term. i guess i'm turning into someone i don't really want to be.

don't get me wrong. i'm thankful for the blessings i do get. i'm happy about my work, about my teaching, about my studying, about finishing that dratted thesis, about my decision to stick with, and stick up for, Kit...

but inside, it's all jumbled up. i'm all jumbled up. like i just want the world to stop for a moment... or that i want to escape... far away...

i don't know why. i just want to be not me - even for just a day. to not think about what i always think about, to not do what i usually do, or even what i can do...

haha, it's just like when i was in high school and i wanted to be a psycho, living in my own world and imagining my own reality...

yeah, sometimes i think i really am psycho... ;)

i blame 2 people:
- one left when i needed him the most
- the other is too attached, it's choking me...

of course i don't really blame you, mom and dad... i just want to point fingers... haha!

gawd, i really am turning psycho... if you're freaked out, hell, i don't need you in my life!

blog+loud music=therapy

this is a great song. sad, pero masaya pakinggan :)

BURNOUT - Sugarfree

O wag kang tumingin
ng ganyan sa kin
wag mo akong kulitin
wag mo akong tanungin

Dahil katulad mo
ako rin ay nagbago
di na tayo katulad ng dati
kay bilis ng sandali

O kay tagal kitang minahal

Kung iisipin mo
di naman dati ganito
teka muna teka lang
kailan tayo nailang

Kung iisipin mo
di naman dati ganito
kay bilis kasi ng buhay
pati tayo natangay

O kay tagal kitang minahal

Tinatawag kita
sinusuyo kita
di mo man marinig
di mo man madama

O kay tagal kitang mamahalin

tama na ang drama

idaan na lang sa

tawa

at

halakhak!!!

:D

yan ang defense mechanism at work ;)

another lesson on balance

good:
- mama's thesis is over!!! she graduates end of this month! yey!
- submitted my student's grades for the 1st quarter! woohoo, a hurdle overcame!
- bonus bonus! :D
- new phone c/o Kuya Albert! thanks Kuya! :)

bad:
- i am literally shaking as i type this (i swear, if you i try to steady my hands, they won't kasi they're shaking) because i can't understand what the hell is going on. i let you in my life, all you had to do was ask if i was still alive... but you don't... and now it's just complicated? what!?!

i wish i wasn't so affected so much. but i am. because that's how i love. i give my all. i might be overly dramatic sometimes, super makulit, but i make amends, i apologize when im wrong, i try to understand as much as i can. i keep the lines open because i want this to work. and if it comes to a point that i see that you are giving in to this long distance thing we have, then it's harder to hold on, harder to have faith. but i still try. before, i even tried till i had no more respect for myself... but no more. if this is how it is for you (as you say, complicated), then let's not complicate things anymore. i don't want to complicate things for you further.

i have to know when to say enough. please teach me how to say enough... please teach me to not love someone who doesnt seem to love me enough... (although a tiny part of me is still praying that he does, he just doesn't know how to show it...)

BALANCE

remember i talked about balance before?

GOOD:
Kit and I are okay now. I exagerrate, he underrates. i swear this opposites-attract thing is tricky haha! I hope that emotional roller coaster never happens again... or anytime soon anyway ;P

BAD (or rather things that i HAVE to do, that i dont' really want to)
- I'm stuck with doing my mom's thesis defense powerpoint
- Oh, as well as her revisions AFTER her defense
- Need to check 2 papers as well as 1 project EACH for my 48 students
- Oh, next week, i have to check their periodic exams as well...
- i have to make lesson plan #5 too :(
- i'm behind 2 companies for the benchmark reports at work
- that second project we have is mind boggling too... i, in particular, have to define 41 terms involving mergers, acquisitions and incorporations... brain frying in progress...
- i have no idea yet what needs to be done for my accounting and metres subjects, but we're nearing the middle of the sem so im guessing it'll be time for midterms soon
- i just bought season 1 and 2 of grey's anatomy and seasons 5-10 of FRIENDS. yeah, that's a GREAT thing, but i don't have time to watch them :( huhu...
- and my 101 things at home is in disarray and i don't have time to fix and clean up... so everytime i'm looking for something, it takes sooo long :(

gawd, so much to do, so very little time...

calm but still confused

no longer am i the sobbing blubbering inconsolable girl of yesterday.

my mind is not spinning with a thousand reasons or explanations anymore as to why things happen... or why things just don't happen... even if i know that they could have happened, if only this or if only that...

i'm trying to not think about these things anymore... but one thing that is now certain to me is that: i can't be with someone who doesn't even try to understand me, or what i've been going through, especially when he could've prevented such circumstances to happen...

i can't be with someone who thinks everything is just fine, that nothing's wrong, when clearly, nothing is alright.

the past few days, i went through so much stress, that half of the things i do, i do in a daze, especially ones that concern my deepest feelings and fears. and i was under the premise that he knew that, and that he understood that. apparently, he didn't. too bad, right? the one person you thought would be there and would understand you - just doesn't get it.

no matter how many times you tried to make them understand...

no matter how many times you pleaded them to listen...

i can't be with someone who makes me feel this way. that's just it. i can't be with someone who makes me feel these bad jumbled feelings that just drag me down lower. hell, Stress treats me so much better than he does right now (that ain't an exagerration!)

i missed his call this morning. in fact, i think i've missed his calls four times in a row now... and i owe it to fate...
maybe we were meant to misunderstand each other...
we were meant to not fix this...
we were meant to not even try...
we were meant to not be...

i just feel so hurt right now, that i don't want us to be anymore.

he could have done something... i wanted him to do something, anything... except for the way he treated me...

but yeah, i still wonder... if only...

when in so much pain, is it better to give up?

i have realized that i really have lost my best friend... i think i've lost this person for quite some time now, i was just in denial. ive lost that someone who would understand me no matter what, who will be there for me, and accept my weirdness and idiosyncrasies - who will love me in spite of all that.

today i cried my heart out. and now, i've accepted how things can never be the same. i don't want things to ever be the same, in fact. i was holding on to a promise. but not anymore.

not anymore.

i vow to no longer be affected by the things i can never have. no longer work towards something that i know will never change...

instead, it is better to work towards making my life better, happier, along with the people who i know will stick to their word...

(just like a friend, who, inspite of an ongoing date with a special someone, took the time to be there for me. :D thank you for making a difference for me today. kahit wala ka namang nasabi of extreme importance, i appreciate you welcoming me and the way i barged in... the comforting words and hug calmed me, and made me think about what to do next.)

things didnt quite work out well for me, i never imagined i'd get to this point when i'd give up. but it has come to this. and although the love i have is great, there comes a point when one realizes when one can't take all the hurt anymore... i can't take the hurt anymore. unintentional as it maybe...

you know what? i just wanted someone who will make an effort to make me happy in spite of the distance. someone who will share their adventures with me, take me along the ride, even if we're miles apart... someone who won't make me feel like a creep just because i took desperate measures because i missed them so much.

i will bury my feelings deep down. no matter how hard it may be.

because i can't love someone who makes me feel that way, especially when i thought that person will understand where im coming from... after all, this person had been my best friend, right?

or so i thought...

i want to sing this

AMEL LARRIEUX
Make Me Whole

Darling I want you to listen
I stayed up all night, so I can get this thing right
And I don't think there's anything missing
Cause a person like you, made it easy to do
I've waited for so long, to sing to you this song

Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole

I think the angels are your brothers, yeah
They told you about me, said you're just what she needs
And I find myself thanking your mother
For giving birth to a saint
My spirit flies when I say your name
If there's one thing that's true
It's that I was born to love you

Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole

You make my dreams
Come true over and, over again
And I honestly truly believe
You and me are written in the stars
I live my whole life through
To giving thanks to you

Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole

----

Belated happy birthday, Kit! I hope we become happy... I just want us to be happy...