random thoughts of a semi-insane albeit charming little girl...

Saturday, March 29

i've moved

i just remembered that i haven't posted that i've already moved to multiply.

where posting journal entries, pictures, music and videos are so much easier - plus it's got that network thing going on...

just in case someone drops in, i've migrated to:


Friday, December 8

it was the BEST Christmas party evahhh!!!

will keep this short, but i just wanna say thanks to the greatest krISSmas party committee ever!

will post pictures soon!

*i was dressed as a girl scout... a very cute little girl scout... bwahahah!!!

** i won a 3 cubic feet refrigerator!!! wheee!!!

Monday, December 4

an open letter

ok, i dont really know how this goes but...
you have openly shared your feelings to the public (friendster blogger eh?) about how you feel about MY boyfriend. unfortunately, i have chanced upon that site, and may i just say, even if i also feel that you are a nice and good-natured person, you have gotten out of hand.
yes, Kit and i have gone through a rough time, and sorry to disappoint you, but it had NOTHING to do with you. Kit is just, as you said, really nice and i hope you don't read too much out of his politeness.
i think that you have gone too far... far as bitching to him, as if he owes you time or whatever... even if this is not upsetting Kit, it is upsetting me, because you are making it appear as if he is even flirting with the idea that he wants to be with you.
let me clear it up to you that we are still together, stronger than ever, and i owe all that to his supreme effort in making things work, showing me that i should not feel threatened at all that someone or something will come between us. i am quite confident that Kit will do nothing to hurt me, or make me feel that i shouldn't have trusted him.
yes, NO answer is definitely THE answer.
i am sorry. i just had to let this out. i do hope you find the happiness you deserve, you find that person who will make you feel like a princess...
i am sorry, but this prince is taken... and i hope you would sincerely respect that.
Kit has proven that he is once again worthy of my trust (and i am welcomed with open arms by his family), so please... swing your deviance some place else, and realize that infatuation is unhealthy.
Don't use the L word on him... because you have absolutely NO idea of what it takes to actually, completely and unconditionally, love this person... just... leave him - leave us... in peace.
*sorry if this is harsh... i just... wanted to rant... this is my space on the web after all, right?

I'd Still Say Yes

I love you most when we share a place
Those special good times together
It seems like our love can't get much better, no
Cuz we were as close as two could be
We knew love would last forever
We're more than just lovers, we're good friends

And even if our love
Could drift away
I wouldn't even think twice
If I wanted love back again

Because I'd still say yes to you again
My darling for you I'd do it all again
Yes I'd still say yes to you again
Darling for you
I'd do it over and over again
To you ya know I'll say yes
Oh my darling, oh my darling only for you

Where does it go, how does it end
True love it seems so easy
'Cuz we have no doubts
Where we belong, where we belong
They say time can heal a broken heart
And true love never ends
So why not start where we began

Because I'd still say yes to you again
My darling for you I'd do it all again
Yes I'd still say yes to you again
Darling for you I'd do it over and over again

Friday, December 1


i never want this fragile moment of magic to end...

please let it last...

*i'm sorry if i've been so negative lately... i've just been very afraid...
will you hold my hand?

Thursday, November 30

it all comes down to this


and for now, we'll both have to keep remembering that.

i'll hang on to what you said that i shouldn't be threatened.

and i am praying that, soon, everything will fall into place, and things will be okay again...



Monday, November 6

right now

i actually feel...

like i can just...



slowly. walk. away.

Saturday, November 4

i need my bestfriend

right now, i just need someone to talk to. who will listen. who will affirm my worth. who won't pass judgment for everything i say. who will try to comfort me. who will put my best interests first, for the mean time.

someone who will smile and say "everything will be alright"... even if there's no guarantee to that... because that someone will try to make everything alright... at least, for the next 30 minutes or so... until im calm, until im okay again, until ive put myself together again...

Friday, October 27


the ball's in your court now, baby...

it's all you now, all you...

good luck!

Friday, October 20

quotable quote

"Love is not about finding the right person, but creating the right relationship. It's not about how much love you have in the beginning, but how much love you build till the end."


sometimes... i keep thinking...

what if i chose differently?

what if i was able to let go? would it have been much easier?

there are times when i want out... but then, i see him, and i remember us... and i feel happy thinking about that, and about what lies ahead...

i have so much faith, and hope, and love...


i am haunted by ghosts of Phoenix past... and i keep thinking if this torture is worth it.

i don't know how long i'll get over it.

honestly, i haven't completely gotten over the one before that... more like, 94% over... and then this one comes, and of course that throws the 94% off course :( yeah, sad, isn't it?

no matter how much i try to control my thoughts, these somehow get the best of me. no matter how much i try to block them out, they push their way through...

what's so ironic about this? i haven't done a thing, and yet, i carry the burden :( sometimes, that's how i feel...

i guess this is his burden. dealing with how i am right now.

if he breaks, then he'll make it easy for both of us now, won't he?

but is the easy way out, the best way out?

i hope not.

on a scale of 1 to 10

how important is:

Being there for each other - no matter what... and i mean, no matter how tired, sleep-deprived, depressed, stuck-in-traffic or cranky you are
Self-sacrifice for the other's happiness
Financial stability
Open and honest communication
Constant communication
Against-all-odds kind of love
Being able to really understand... or at least, really tries to
Cuddling (or lambingan, for a better scope)
Kindness of heart
Being religious

Thursday, October 19

looking for the guy who will really mean it when he sings this song to me

Stick Around

by Azure

How many times do I daydream
About making love to you
I'll take you to a special place
Where it's only me and you
I'll put away all your troubles
On the other side of the world
And wrap my arms around you, hon
And tell you you're my girl
(So let's go sail away in the night)
And we'll go far away from here
(To a place where our love is right)
Can I take you to my world?

Whenever you're sad
Whenever you're crying
I'll be the one who wipes away your tears
Whenever you're cold
Whenever you need me
I'll be the one who runs to you
And give you my love
Will you know how much I love you
So you better not let me down
I'm not asking for too much
Baby, just stick around

A quiet day in the country
Or a rainy night in my room
We'll hide away into the sheets
If the morning comes too soon
An afternoon in your eyes
Or a lifetime in your heart
Forever just ain't long enough
But at least it's a good start
(Falling deeper in love with you)
Will you be there to catch me girl?
(I hope your falling deep with me too)
Can I keep you in my world?


Forever, forever
Ooh.. would you come on baby
(let's go sail away in the night)
And we'll go far away from here
(Tell you that's where our love is right)

Cause, whenever you're sad
Whenever you're crying
I'll be the one who wipes away your tears
Whenever you call me
Whenever you need me
I'm gonna be right there for you and give you my love
Yeah, and you know how much I love you
So you better not let me down
I'm not asking for too much, baby
Just stick around
Forever, forever

Tuesday, October 17

from Veronica Mars

"The hero is the one that stays... while the villain is the one that splits."

By the way, I sooo heart Logan Echolls :)

*things are a bit hazy in the love department. TRUST gets tested over and over again, and yet, LOVE is so much stronger. I swear this is the ultimate last shot. Let me bleed to death if I stand in the way of the bullet again.*

Thursday, October 12

Dan Campilan's unlikely antidote to teargas

As a Bombo Radyo reporter covering the Edsa Tres May 1 riot, he was blinded by the teargas but found an instant, unlikely antidote: "Para mawala ang anghang sa mata, dinakot ko yung ice cream na tinitinda nung mama sa Mendiola at pinanghilamos. Nagsunuran na rin yung iba. Sorry manong, but you saved my life."
- Howie Severino

now, i know what to look for if i become victim to a teargas explosion...

May he rest in peace...

Sunday, October 8


i can't go home yet.

yeah it's crazy. it's 2am, a Saturday (oops, Sunday na pala), and i'm stuck in the office. apparently, the elevators are being fixed or something, so i can't go down yet. good thing i'm not alone, Mark's here as well... to be stuck here with anyone is good period. wouldn't want to hear those weird noises and be unable to run away if i want to... nyahaha...

me stuck at the office.

now you ask, why the hell am i at the office at this day and time? well, i needed fast internet access while doing stuff for my class on Monday (which includes drafting their 2nd quarter exam)...

ok. so that's an excuse.
truth is - i don't want to go home yet.
because... my mom is there.

sigh. we just don't get along anymore! she is too domineering, and wants to rule over my life... and the minute she sees me lounging around, or having fun, she freaks out. seriously.
she sees me watching DVDs, she'll tell me i have to clean my room (which, by the way, she already cleaned after i told her not to because i don't want anyone else moving my stuff...)
she sees me resting, she'll tell me to get off my butt and exercise.
she sees me reading, she'll tell me to sort through my stuff to figure out which can be given away.

and there's the whole she-just-can't-let-it-go-that-i-am-all-grown-up-now and that i'd rather make my own decisions without her hovering around me, and yeah, she's went through all that stuff already, but come on, i wanna make my own mistakes too... besides, i'm not stupid enough to commit the usual mistakes...

when she starts talking, she can go on and on... and if i did something wrong or something she doesn't like, she can go for, like, 2 hours chronicling every single thing i did wrong, or maybe relate this single unacceptable thing i did to me being some sort of her worst child nightmare.

me stuck with the mom who doesn't trust me, and doesn't want to let me go.

i guess there is one reason for her paranoia. it's this relationship i'm in.

true, i am having doubts about this relationship... but i have too much love that i just can't let go yet. and i'm afraid i'll be tortured by the "what ifs" if i do let go. haha.

as i've said, i feel that i've given so much, my pride just won't be able to take it if this is all there is to this relationship. well, maybe it's not pride... it's that big big hope that there is so much more to this...

i guess i'm waiting for that one big thing to make me pack my bags and say "adios" to this relationship.

ok, that didn't sound good haha... like i'm waiting for everything to explode before i get out of a time bomb... sometimes i do feel like that. but, well... even if it's hard to, i... trust. maybe not trust him completely, or myself even... more on - that i trust God will make everything fall into place... or that God planned it to be like this.

me stuck in this semi-heartbreaking, semi-heartbursting relationship.

heartbursting being totally positive hehe... i considered heartwarming - but that was too bland... heartbursting is like - your heart bursts with so much love and happiness...

of course heartbreaks happen too. the heart just breaks... and mends... and breaks... and mends... and i wonder how long this will go on?

how stuck am i?

Tuesday, October 3

no longer child's play

again, i find myself at a loss...

what to feel.
what to do.
what to think.

the pressure of so much love for such a long time is weighing me down...

but the thought of that same love is lifting me up...

an emotional tug-of-war.

i don't know how much longer this will go on, but i want it to be over soon...

please let it be over soon.

Friday, September 29

The Parable of the Mung Beans

This is a story about two housewives who each bought a sack of mung beans. The first housewife, eager to share her purchase with her family, prepared a soup dish consisting of mung beans, pork, and malunggay leaves. The second housewife wanted to use her purchase as dessert, so she made some moon cakes and used the mung beans as filling. Both of the housewives' families enjoyed the food very much, and because of this, the housewives felt good about themselves.

After eating the mung bean dishes, the housewives discovered that they still have a lot of uncooked mung beans left over. Looking around the house, they realized that there is little room where they can store the excess mung beans. The first housewife decided to keep the mung beans on a shelf, while the second housewife decided to keep the mung beans in the kitchen, right next to the other vegetables. Before storing the mung beans, both housewives decided to wash the beans, for they are afraid that these beans might get dirty and they do not know when they might use these beans again.

After seven days, the housewives decided to check on the mung beans, and to see if anything bad has happened to them. To their surprise, they saw little yellow sprouts instead of the little green beans that delighted their families' appetites one week ago.

"This is preposterous!" exclaimed the first housewife. "This is not the mung bean I first started with! Why, I washed the beans and put them in a safe place, and this is what I got! A ruined heap of maggot-colored vegetables!" And she continued to whine and to complain about the ruined mung beans.

The second housewife was equally unhappy about the situation. She did not want this to happen, for she had other mung bean dishes in mind that she wanted to try. There are a lot of vegetables in her kitchen, and the last thing she wanted is another vegetable to take up space in her already-crowded kitchen.

However, she decided to give the mung bean sprouts another chance. "This isn't what I wanted, but maybe something good will come out of it," she mused.

"Nothing good will come out of it," countered the first housewife. "We might as well accept the changes and get on with our lives. We still have other vegetables that we can use, no sense holding on to those ruined mung bean sprouts."

The second housewife did not want to give up that easily. For that evening's dinner, she tried to make vegetable spring rolls for her family and included the mung bean sprouts in the dish. Her family never tasted spring rolls like this before, and they sure did miss the mung bean dishes. But they realized that the spring rolls aren't that bad, they just tasted different.

The first housewife, still disappointed, did not want anything to do with the mung bean sprouts anymore. She made use of her usual vegetables for dinner. She reasoned out that the change is inevitable, but her family has to stand strong about it. She is thankful that there still are old familiar things to hold on to, not to mention new vegetables to venture on. There is no need to waste time over ruined mung bean sprouts, and because of this her family can move on and live a life without mung beans.

A month or two has passed over the two households. The first housewife has completely ignored the mung bean sprouts. Eventually, the mung bean sprouts withered and died. The sack of mung beans that once had potential now lay in waste, and was later thrown out to rot on the streets.

For the second housewife, the mung beans were still given attention. Now and then she would wash the sprouts, and use some of them for cooking. One day, while tending the mung bean sprouts, she was in for a surprise. The older and bigger sprouts bore seeds. "Oh my!" the second housewife exclaimed, "Who would've thought that the mung beans didn't leave me after all?"

And she harvested the mung beans from the sprouts and was able to cook the mung bean dishes she wanted to cook, ever since she first bought the sack of mung beans from the market.

Copyright 2006. Miriam Pugeda.

Wednesday, September 27

Fray - How to Save a Life

Step one you say we need to talk

He walks you say sit down it's just a talk

He smiles politely back at you

You stare politely right on through

Some sort of window to your right

As he goes left and you stay right

Between the lines of fear and blame

And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best

Cause after all you do know best

Try to slip past his defense

Without granting innocence

Lay down a list of what is wrong

The things you've told him all along

And pray to God he hears you

And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice

You lower yours and grant him one last choice

Drive until you lose the road

Or break with the ones you've followed

He will do one of two things

He will admit to everything

Or he'll say he's just not the same

And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

like a balloon waiting to burst

Ge and i had a lot to talk about last night.

Of course he took up much of the "airtime", but it made me think about my own situation as well...

To cut it short, I've been telling him that although there is that proactive, aggressive way to do things (or like you want to do everything right, or to try and have the best because you're entitled to it), sometimes that won't result to a good thing... that you end up hurting more people, or hurting yourself more... that sometimes, it's just better to accept things as they are, to try and just change your outlook of things, be positive about it, stay humble and content, just find a way for things to be bearable enough...

that's what i've been doing.

to stay as i am.

be optimistic.


because i fear that if i try and grab a bigger slice off the cake of life, i'd end up losing everything else because i was too "greedy"...

almost all my life, i have been trying to fight against the ideals of "going for what i think i deserve", because in reality, who's to know what one really deserves? i mean, yes, in general, we deserve to be treated well, to be respected, etc etc... but in the more specific scheme of things, no one can really tell...

and so here i am: pleasant, nice, caring, charming even ;) ready to spread sunshine, hugs and love...

all those other thoughts pushed far back into the back of my head...

and i know - that soon - they will try to push their way through

and i will be like a balloon just waiting to burst.

and as if that wasn't enough, you'd be reduced to a million tiny pieces, and who knows if you'll be able to put yourself back together again...

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall...

Tuesday, September 26


i honestly don't know how i feel... or even how i'm supposed to feel...

it's like, i know what i want to feel, but no matter how hard i try to put certain feelings aside, or how much i try to block out certain thoughts, i just can't get to that point of feeling all good and -- just "okay" inside...

in all honesty, that's just how i want to feel. i want to be able to sit back, and think about all that has happened, and what i have now, and i just want to feel okay with it. i want to feel that i have indeed accepted everything that has happened, and i want to feel a hundred percent comfortable with being here...

with staying...

sometimes i do get that feeling that i want it to be over. that i don't want anything more, be it good or bad... i don't want the bad that may go with the good... cause it may outweigh the good... and i'd feel even worse, cause i'd regret it...

but i fear...

fear that i might lose all that good forever...

so right now... i'm still here... but i'm not sure if it's worth it... and i'm still not sure if he deserves it.

but i guess the bigger question is: do i deserve this?

sometimes i want to close this chapter of my life and move on... but the hope and faith that i have that things will get better is so much bigger than me, that i fail to give up...

but there are times when i wish i could... i wish i could just give up - and leave.


just maybe...

there's still so much more to this... so much more to look forward to...

something that will make all the pain (and i mean all that fucking pain i wish i didn't have to feel) feel like nothing - even if i had to relive it my head... something that can make me say "it doesn't matter that - that happened, because i have this now", or "this has happened now..."

i can only hope.

i am praying so hard that all this optimism doesn't ruin in for me... because if it does - i'm going to turn into a jaded narcissistic selfish bitch... and no one wants that, right?

Monday, September 11

random thoughts from Grey's Anatomy

Meredith: A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.

Meredith: At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines... that are way too dangerous to cross.

Meredith: Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more.

Meredith: Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.

Christina: if you want crappy things to stop happening to you then stop accepting them and demand more.

Meredith: I just need something to happen, I need a sign that things are going to change. I need a reason to go on. I need some hope! And in the absence of hope, I need to stay in bed a feel like I'm going to die today.

George: I just can't tell you want you wanna hear. Which seems to be a theme in my life right now. Just because you can't say something doesn't mean you don't want to, you can want to very much. You can be with a person and be happy with them and not love them. And you can love somebody and not want to be with them. You don't need to love someone to want them. Now that's frustrating, when what your brain tells you you want and what you actually want don't match up. It's exhausting. And, well, it's complicated. But that's life. And life... sucks.

Sunday, September 10

Mahal kong Maynilaaaa

Manila was a blast! i had sooo much fun!!! the sights, the company, as well as the exercise really did me good.

View my photos at : http://annauk.multiply.com - i'll be uploading more photos later.

And what better way to end the day than to watch Sam Milby on the big screen?! haha! finally watched You are the One with bugs... it was sooo worth it! :)

Being in the company of a fellow "jologs" helped a lot too. Bugs and i ended the day talking about our unfortunate yuppie status, and how unfair our lives are. hehe... till our next jolog movie! cheers!

Wednesday, September 6

from shullah

life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets.


love the people who treat you right,
forget about the ones who don't,
and believe that everything happens for a reason.

know a good thing when you see it,
and don't let it slip away.

if you get a chance,
take it.

if it changes your life,
let it.

nobody said it would be easy,
they just said it would be worth it.

will upload this song in multiply later :)

Sayang ang lahat
True Faith

Sayang ang lahat,
sayang ang lahat na naumpisahan
Hindi ko alam kung bakit ba ganun ang nangyari

Ibinuhos ko'ng lahat
Sinugal ang bukas

at nasayang din ang lahat
(nasayang ang lahat, nasayang ang lahat)
Nakakalungkot at 'di ko mapigil ang iyak
(nasayang ang lahat, nasayang ang lahat)
Binalewala ang pawis at luha, sayang

Sayang ang lahat
akala ko ay maaasahan ka
Pagtuklas sa sarili
poot ng iyong pagkukunwari
binigay ko ang lahat
Inalay ko ang bukas (oh)

at nasayang din ang lahat
(nasayang ang lahat, nasayang ang lahat)
Nakakalungkot at 'di ko mapigil ang iyak
(nasayang ang lahat, nasayang ang lahat)
Binalewala ang pawis at luha,

(Sayang) 'Di ko na mauulit pa
(Sayang) Ang pagtitiis at pagpakumbaba


Ibinuhos ko'ng lahat
Sinugal ang bukas (oh)

at nasayang din ang lahat
(nasayang ang lahat, nasayang ang lahat)
Nakakalungkot at 'di ko mapigil ang iyak
(nasayang ang lahat, nasayang ang lahat)
Binalewala ang pawis at luha, sayang

Oh, sayang
Sana nalaman mo kung gaano ka-sayang

wishful thinking

"Never Say Goodbye" - Jojo (yep, i love jojo!i want to be jojo!)

Never been in love
Cause a girl like me
Never had someone to care for
Never thought there could be
Someone special for me
And now I'm all in love
Cause a girl like me
Waited patiently for someone
Someone to care for me
And there will never be

No more lonely, no more just me
I've been there before
Ain't goin no more
And now that you're here I
Never wanna say goodbye love
Never wanna be without you
No more cryin, no denyin'
I'm in love with you
And now that you're here I
I never wanna say goodbye love

Now it's time for me
To find out what the first time love could mean
Little scared but its cool
Cause it's worth it
Now I finally fell in love
And I know that it's
Got to be for real (So real)
It's the way that I feel
So come share my world with me
So there will never be


So I'm standin here
Arms open wide
Ready to give my heart
I'm sure this time
Love's gonna last for life
Baby I know things change
And there might be some rain
But the clouds are gonna clear
And the sun is gonna shine again
Shine light on our love baby
So let's make it last forever


Da da da da da

Just - wishful thinking.