confusion

i honestly don't know how i feel... or even how i'm supposed to feel...

it's like, i know what i want to feel, but no matter how hard i try to put certain feelings aside, or how much i try to block out certain thoughts, i just can't get to that point of feeling all good and -- just "okay" inside...

in all honesty, that's just how i want to feel. i want to be able to sit back, and think about all that has happened, and what i have now, and i just want to feel okay with it. i want to feel that i have indeed accepted everything that has happened, and i want to feel a hundred percent comfortable with being here...

with staying...

sometimes i do get that feeling that i want it to be over. that i don't want anything more, be it good or bad... i don't want the bad that may go with the good... cause it may outweigh the good... and i'd feel even worse, cause i'd regret it...

but i fear...

fear that i might lose all that good forever...

so right now... i'm still here... but i'm not sure if it's worth it... and i'm still not sure if he deserves it.

but i guess the bigger question is: do i deserve this?

sometimes i want to close this chapter of my life and move on... but the hope and faith that i have that things will get better is so much bigger than me, that i fail to give up...

but there are times when i wish i could... i wish i could just give up - and leave.

maybe...

just maybe...

there's still so much more to this... so much more to look forward to...

something that will make all the pain (and i mean all that fucking pain i wish i didn't have to feel) feel like nothing - even if i had to relive it my head... something that can make me say "it doesn't matter that - that happened, because i have this now", or "this has happened now..."

i can only hope.

i am praying so hard that all this optimism doesn't ruin in for me... because if it does - i'm going to turn into a jaded narcissistic selfish bitch... and no one wants that, right?