random thoughts of a semi-insane albeit charming little girl...

Thursday, April 29

after a loooooooooooong time...

OMG!!!
tagal tagal ko di nagblog!!!
and not because im busy (hehe, kasi kahit busy, magbo-blog pa ren ako!!! ito na nga lang outlet ko e!), but becuase i cant access the site ever talaga since last ako nagblog. ang weird nga e, pero basta m glad na ngayon pwede na :D
well, anu na ba nangyari...
well sobrang dami actually.
haha, kung last week ako nagblog dito,ang dami dami ng mura ng site na to and rants about my useless and kakainis na life. haha!
siguro ayaw ni God na ma-immortalize ko ung mga bad feelings ko...
for now, well, busy pa ren sa work, but happy naman. i go home late na everyday kasi... gusto ko ren. hehe. its nice to walk under the stars den kasi hehe.
and then im reading pa ren joshua harris' book na boy meets girl, na sobra akong nae-enlighten. and im beginning to figure out na what relationships are and how they really are supposeed to be for them to really work. although ideal pa ren sha na masasabi, it doesnt hurt to continue dreaming na one guy will actually be as "enlightened" as this guy is. kasi its all about your love glorifying God in all ways at na your love is actually talaga in God's plan so you let it work according to His script. basta parang ganon.
basta i hope i get that kind of love den someday... makapunta nga ng Maryland... hehe, tagadon kasi sha. :D
i also watched just married at sobra akong natawa, pero underneath it all, ung message nya ok. hehe
labo.
ah basta, namiss ko magblog... :D
sige check ko muna blog ng ibang tao :D

Saturday, April 17

weekend work...

im on my 4th company of the day... and it's a saturday!!! hayyy. ewan ba. sana worth it itong pagpasok ko...
para bang wala lang akong magawa sa life ko, kaya magtatrabaho na lang ako. haha. labo.
basta parang kakawalang gana ang buhay ko now.
leche.
haha. leche flan... wala lang. ngayon iniisip ko, kasi diiba me history of diabetes sa family namen, tapos one notch higher ang blood sugar ko than normal, ano kaya no, kapag sure na na may diabetes ako in the future, tapos e di parang may taning na ung life ko, tsaka ako kakain ng pagkadamidaming matamis! para nag-enjoy naman ako sa sweets bago ako mamatay. haha. anu ba to, anlabo...
pero gusto ko puro choco mousse... ice cream... rocky road cake... m&m crispies at ferrero rocher... halo halo na super daming sangkap!!! wow!!! :D

Friday, April 16

exceeded quota today

haha, career-in ba ang trabaho?
me balak pa ko pumasok bukas or sa sunday. hehe. wala lang.
im depressed. pero di ung mega, kasi, alam mo ung klase ng depressed na in denial?
haha. lousy.
sana tomorrow will be a nicer day. sana maayos and all.
uwi na ko... kasi bibili pa ko ng carrots. hehehe. pinapabili ako ng nanay ko. tsaka sponge para panghugas ng mga pinggan namen. pati pala condensed milk. ang tamis non no? haha. wala lang.
si lily, di na ko pinansin sa ym... ako daw ang nangangareer. hmph.
oy, alala ko lang, si carol, naiyak daw sa entries ko. ganon ba ka-sad ang life ko? *sigh*
mabasa nga entries ko.. para makaiyak... ngek. mali. in denial nga pala ako na depressed. hehehe. hanlabulabo...

tenkshu

thanks again to the following people who remembered a special day!
gerald - fellow JOWA member, mabuhay ang mga jologs! :D meeting ulit!
ochie - ang natatanging anghel nung highschool. malapit lang bahay namen pero tagal kko na tong di nakakausap... mashado busy sa law school!
eyps - for a time, my rants and raves counselor. hehe.
me-an - sunshine!!! miss this babe! ginpom sessions are in order!

a gradeshool classmate texted me den pala, meet meet daw on saturday! yay! wonder how they all look like, hope i can come, pero i want to work den kasi sa weekend (yuck!) to make up for the work ive missed when i took that week loooong vacation.
last night was okay by the way. hmmmmm....

Thursday, April 15

ishmaburtdi

hay naku. start pa lang harrassed na. just finished on the BIG company i was ranting about yesterday. *sigh* im okay naman... un nga lang. just okay. oh well...
didnt sleep much. okay lang, at least it made me feel better. (labo?!)
im looking forward to later... sana meron ngang "later"...
thanks to the people who remembered to greet me!!!
carol (at about a little before midnyt! lots of kwentos to share with this girl!)
ate bujoy (hehe. kasi pareho kami ng birthday?!)
raizel (super tagal na di ko nakita! graduate na sha ng civil engineering! astig!)
checos (love daw nya ako! hehe, miss ko na sha ka-ym, wala kasi ym office nila...)
lily (hehe, kasi sinabi ko na bday ko yesterday, at binati na nya ko kagad)
kyla (favorite friend ko nung highschool, hehe)
my mom (love na love daw nya ako! hehe)
mara (may surprise daw sha paguwi ko ng house, tipong mag treasure hunting daw ako sa bahay mamaya)
kit (shempre lagot sha pag di nya ko greet. hehe. mejo inaway ko nga e dahil sa birtdi birtdi na to e... sorryyyyyy...)
well, lunch time na. kakain pa kaya ako? hmmm....
p.s. nga pala, nagshopping ako yesterday! 5 tops! woohooo!!! :D

Wednesday, April 14

tired... of everything...

grabe the day is so not ending well.
although once again i feel a bit powerful (hehe) kasi i got assigned to analyze this BIG company (luxury products of which i wish i could afford), but then its giving me a LOT of problems naman. grrr. buti sana kung andaling hanapin ng info no! dito talaga pumapasok ung RESEARCH sa research analyst. *sigh*
7pm na and im two companies short pa. e di pa nga ko tapos sa BIG company na to e. *sigh* nawala na talaga ang momentum ko last night. :(
i want to go home. naduduling na ko e. i wish i had a bigger monitor though. haha. tipong 20 inches. hehe. 14 lang ata etong monitor ko e.
its not just work. everything else isnt going as smoothly as i thought it would. haha. e kelan ba naging smooth ride? heinaku. kung pwede lang mag slack off. kaso hindi... and well, i prefer not to slack off na den. i want to really focus on work kasi if i focus on other things, well, you know na how i can be.
my sister is so sweet. she keeps calling to ask how i am, if i already ate, why i would be home late. she said she'd call me up again to check on me. *sigh* she really loves me no? yan ang totoong love talaga... mamumulubi ako sa birthday non. pero ok lang :D
speaking of birthdays... wala lang. *sigh*
whatever happens tomorrow can be a turning point (haha, for the nth time...)
blah blah blah.

this one keeps playing in my head...

Artist: Blue Lyrics
Song: Don't Treat Me Like A Fool

It's been hard wakin' up, wakin' up to the truth
I've been so blind, couldn't see for love no.
Tried my best to ignore it, wish the pain away
But just like tomorrow, its coming round again.

So darling, please don't treat me like a fool.
Its been hard enough for me, getting over you
Darling please don't treat me like like you do
I'll be damned if I am gonna let ya
Damned if I don't forget ya
So please don't treat me - like a fool.

Thought I gave you the best, but it wasn't enough
You took advantage of my trusting heart
Tried my best to forgive you, did my best to forget
I am done with the tears and there are no regrets.

So darling, please don't treat me like a fool.
Its been hard enough for me, getting over you
Darling please don't treat me like like you do
I'll be damned if I am gonna let ya
Damned if I don't forget ya
So please don't treat me - like a fool.

I know I'll be reaching out to touch you in the night
Holding on to the memories, Cos you're not here to hold me tight
You lied when you told me, It hurt to be apart
When all the lying you're doing is in someone else's arms.

So darling, please don't treat me like a fool.
Its been hard enough for me, getting over you
Darling please don't treat me like like you do
I'll be damned if I am gonna let ya
Damned if I don't forget ya
So please don't treat me - like a fool.

Tuesday, April 13

:(

how come it's all soooo confusing?!
shet.
is it a sign?
ung ur finally convinced na everything will turn out fine starting from that point and then you come across something that completely diminishes ur resolve... kahit pa na it could be based on ur wrong assumptions lang... could it still be a sign?
hahaha, eto na naman ako. sign sign daw o... but then... baka nga...
ewan. labo.

:D

ang gwapo talaga ng crush ko! hehehehe. di ko na sha officemate... at guess what? pilot na pala sha. *sigh* hehehe. sana wala akong officemate na makabasa nito. baka mabuking ako... hmmm. pero kebs! e gwapo naman talaga sha e. hehehe. sayang nga lang, padalaw dalaw na lang sha dito sa office tulad ngayon... dati pa naman, sa other side lang sha ng cubicle. unting iling ko sa kanan, ang ganda ganda na ng view ko... oh well... *sigh*

working on my 10th company of the day

haha, para bang im on a roll?!
wala lang. parang nararamdaman ko na ung nagpapakamanhid ka thru work. not naman na meron akong major na dapat ipakamanhid (hehe, in denial o!)...
my scores are improving. yipee! hehe.
kit and i were able to fix things.
and guess what?
we're back together again...
but honestly im not sure if i made the right choice... yet.
sana nga he doesnt fail to prove whatever he said he would prove.
i dont want to go home yet. wala namang magagawa sa bahay e, so i think ill stay until mg 8 siguro. 2 companies pa! :D
whatever. i hope things really do work out.
grabe, how many times a day do i keep thinking that?

Monday, April 12

back to work

ive got a lot to share about my bicol vacation but then its really busy in the office so i dont have the luxury of time. basta, it was great, nangitim nga lang ako, then i hear people get double pay when they worked nung holidays and damn, sana ako ren. hehe. broke pa ren, as usual :D
about other matters, well, all is well, i think and we're trying to iron things out. so there.
hope things work out in every aspect of my life.
right now, im focused on finishing the required quota of 7 processed companies per day hopefully by 5 pm!

Friday, April 2

narinig ko to sa mel and jay dati...

epy quizon relating a turning point in his life...
epy: "binigay ko sa kanya ang lahat... minahal ko sha higit pa sa kahit ano..."
epy's friend: "kaya pala kinuha ng Diyos sayo..."

true true...
dapat talaga si God ang nauuna no? o, tandaan na yan Anna ha?! :D

today my life will change forever... ata...

this was my YM status kanina. hehe.
kasi totoo. i have made a decsion that will change my life. pero i know that this change is necessary for me to be a better person. to be happier, in a way.
And even if it means letting go of an essential part of my life, it doesn't mean i have lost it. it just means i am learning to truly live my life the way God wants me to.
Yes, after a long time, i have finally decided to just offer it up to God.
Offer it all to Him, and stop rationalizing or being a freak about everything.
Let go and Let God.
I think when i first said that to him, it referred to the problems that weighed him down. it is just now that i realized that maybe it was God who made me speak those words kasi they provided a completely different meaning dapat.
It's amazing na we both prayed for it. and God has both led us to a path na, kahit hindi ung gusto talaga namin, at this point, that is where we will be happy.
And i am so very happy kasi we are still the best of friends. nothing can ever change that.
i am happy to say na, completely, no regrets. we still love each other. and maybe someday, we would both be ready and strong enough to nourish that love.
but right now, we both have to nourish our own selves.
on my part, i have to "nourish" my relationship with God and my family and friends.
things did work out for us... and i know that this is not the end. but a beginning.
teka, tama na nga ang pag-philosophize ko...
let me share something lily emailed me. mahaba pero, some parts i totally agree with, though not entirely. basta im glad that i feel no bitterness and that i can say that i am not anymore hopefool, but hopeful. :D the best thing about all this, is that for a very long time, i actually felt that all this is in God's plan.
o eto na nga yung mail :D
DISCLAIMER: this is not my experience ha?! ;) i did not write this! hehehe. kasi masmaganda ang nangyari sa ken, and at the same time, masmalala. hehe. and nga pala. there is such a thing as mutual break-ups :D



We broke up today. Early morning, first thing we did when we woke up. I should've seen it coming. I should've trusted my instincts. I should've asked the questions lingering in my mind, because they were important questions. It doesn't even matter anymore who ended it. Well, he did. But it doesn't matter, not to us, we know better than that. He said I deserved more. I already knew that, long ago. And I wanted to tell him then, but I couldn't find the moment. I know I deserve more, but I simply thought I deserved more of him, not more than him.I loved the guy. I still do. He's a good person,albeit with a lot of faults. I thought I could help him go through with it, help him fix himself and be better because of his mistakes. I realize I shouldn't have played Messiah. I can't go on saving someone who doesn't want to be saved.I love him. Nothing hurts more. He was my first. My ultimate first, in many aspects. First love. First kiss. First real time I let my defenses down. First time I let someone in. First time I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. First heartbreak. Strangely enough, I feel okay. I don't know why exactly. We talked for two hours about this, and I was bawling my eyes out, but in the end we were laughing. We're friends, after all. I just wish we could've been friends for much longer, and grown together in that way, too. Maybe it was inevitable. Maybe it was meant to be. Maybe I could have spared myself the pain if I had been more truthful with myself, if I had not led myself on to believe that it would work out despite everything that told me it would not. My friend told me the other night, "Tapusin mo na yan. Okay na, nakatikim ka na, tama na muna." I said to him, "Eh pano yun, mahal ko siya eh." Now I know loving someone does not make things right. It's true what they say, sometimes love isn't enough. If he calls me, I probably won't turn him away. If he texts, I'd probably reply. Because I don't want to go through with this with hatred in my heart. The five months we shared were the best,and maybe the worst, too. Either way, I will treasure those times, because in those months that we had, and in the year we had known each other, I learned how to love. I learned how to love unconditionally. I learned how to hurt, and how to forgive. Things are not going to be the same. every day,every time I pass by the building where we had spent our summer, every cab ride I take, every shop and restaurant I would go to, I will remember; it is something I will take with me forever. I don't want to look back and cry. I know I will from time to time, but the time will come when I will look back and smile. I want that time to start soon. Paulo Coelho was right when he said "when you want something, all the universe conspires to help you achieve it."
Whoever said it was right we he/she said that "anything less than mad, passionate extraordinary love is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life to deal with, and love shouldn't be one of them."
Coelho might also be right when he said that there are signs. And that we should follow them.But my friend was right, too, when she said we choose the signs that we follow. I guess I just made the wrong choices. Over and over again.
He was right when he said we simply have to want it. But he should've said that to himself, too. It's difficult when only one of two people wants it, and is led to believe that that feeling is being reciprocated.I realize I am not a shepherd looking out for my sheep. I can't forever guide other people to where they want or should be going.
He's probably right, he doesn't deserve me.Because I have been one hell of a good girlfriend, I know this much. He knows it, too. I guess it's a good thing that he ended it,rather than me. I'm not really good at letting go. I always hang on to the possibility that things will work out, that we would go through it together, that no matter how loose the
thread, the thread exists, and it's worth holding on to.
He said that, by the way, going through it together. He said we would endure, that it would be forever.Obviously, I can't say that now. The five months we shared are over. But he will always be my honey, forever. Don't get me wrong, I'm not pinning, nor have I false hopes. But he is that,my honey, just as I am his.

:D kung friend kita, u'll know which parts are true for me and which are not. :D o, ung mga nagkakalat ng tsismis jan, no jumping to conclusions, ah! :D

Thursday, April 1

hopeFOOL

i think i can honestly describe myself as HOPEFOOL... in almost all aspects in my life... haha, to the point na i am hopeFOOL that i wont be hopefool anymore... haha. labo
yesterday, i didnt come to the office cause i had a stiff neck. but in the afternoon i felt better so i went shopping. haha. wala lang. sandals and books. books which i hope will help me get back on the right track. yep, hindi fiction ah... talagang books na will make me hopefully realize (bale ung totoong HOPEFUL na) what i should be doing with my life. parang ganon
anyway, ryt now, a particular company is killing my brains kasi sobrang daming issues na parang wala pa atang nakaka-encounter ng ganitong klaseng company. of all companies na ayaw ko mapunta saken, ayoko na talaga ng financial companies, anything from banks to holding companies lalo na itong holding company of a futures exchange firm. grrr.
gusto ko mag overtime today. haha, kahit pinapatay na ko. wala lang. pambawi from yesterday.
ah basta.
me want ice cream...