blah.
i've tried several times already to compose my thoughts but i cant seem to form a coherent thought.

so maybe instead of pouring out my thoughts, i could pour out my feelings...

i am tired. and stressed. but still, luckily, i haven't let it beat me yet. here i am, with 2 hours of sleep, fighting off the need to slump in my chair and doze off just so i can do something productive with my time: work, quality time with friends and loved ones, "pay it forward" to the people in gt...

i am disappointed. with myself, with people i care about, with people who tell me they would back me up... but then you cant be disappointed for long and so you try to understand still, even if you really can't. you try to justify their actions, because you cant stand to be disappointed any longer.

i am fearful of what lies ahead. will i be able to meet what is expected from me? most important of all, will i be able to meet what i expect from myself?

i am doubtful of my own potential. there are a lot of "if __ then why am i __" questions in my head.

my mind is a jumble of feelings - haha, not thoughts. im quite tired of trying to rationalize every bloody detail in my life.

truth is, i just want to lie in bed, and stare at the blank ceiling...

so must i!

it's been a while since i blogged... buti na lang i came across beawr's LJ... hey, if a cute little bear can blog, so must i!
but then, some of my brain cells are protesting. they are exhausted. sigh. been running around lately to do errands for my mom, plus finalizing my MBA registration... which is a glimpse of hell, as always... you'd think an online registration is a piece of cake? noooo.... it takes a super loooong time i swear. then after all that was done, i found out i'd picked out a professor from MBA Hell.... i had to come back just to change classes. it's a good thing they've opened a new class for ApMath... so i'm taking that instead of MaStat... which i think is much better. after all, math came way before stat did right? fart. im just really freaked out by all this. i really am going back to be burying myself in books, tests and terrifying teachers who freak the fart out of you. it doesnt help that i enrolled along with a bunch of chinese who actually spoke chinese in school! fart! i mean, back in college there were a lot of chinese but they rarely, i mean really rarely spoke in chinese... but this time, that's all i ever heard. meaningless sounds from the mouths of boys and babes... yes i was intimidated... good thing i look chinese... maybe i can fake it... hahaha. anyway, at work, i must confess, im not as productive as i've hoped to be. i get sooo distracted by the live feeds i swear... but at least i still get some work done...
sigh. it doesnt help that a lot of people are counting on me to do other stuff that i shouldnt even be doing. like my mom's paper and even reading assignments (because she has astigmatism she cant read for long...), my sister's creative project (for which i did not sleep at all for, but id have to give her credit too, for she slept at around 2am, when she had to wake up at 530am), my cousin's art history paper (because she doesnt have internet access..grr...), etc etc etc.
i wonder how life would be like a month from now? haha.
now i get so tired i sleep around this time na (yeah, my eyes are getting heavy already) instead of at 2 am.
yeah, that's an improvement. pretty soon, i'll either be leading a saintly life (like be in bed by 9pm *shock*) or i'd be so stressed...
ok that's it ive got to go for now.
fart. i havent brushed my teeth yet. haha.

peekaboo!

The past few days ive been running around, with a million things running through my head as well…
This is how my day goes usually. I wake up at 9 then hurry off to work. Try to catch up with deadlines, chat with friends, type some stuff for my mom or my sister or for the foundation, watch the big brother live feed***, post on the forum, work work work, call up people to follow up, google on the net, set up another meeting, eat, daydream and talk talk with officemates… meet up with friends for lunch. Then later meet up with kit and eat again… work work… or try to… then hurry off to a movie, or dinner with people from the foundation, meet colorful contacts, eat and leave a dent in my wallet, drink coffee and chat until 1230am. go home and, like now, surf and laze around til i get sleepy... that's around 2am. or if my mom wants me to type something up, im still up til 4. for a few days now, that's been a cycle... i wonder how long i can hold up.
There are just so many things to be done, and so many yet to be thought of. My life is a whirl wind and I would have to say that I am happy with the way things are. My social life is at its peak (haha) with lunch and dinners out left and right, meetings to attend to, people to speak with… it’s a jungle… and for now, I’m loving it… I guess for a while my life has been so idle, I craved for this crazy life. And im not even studying yet. Imagine that. After ive registered for school, Im not sure how my life would be then… would I still welcome the stress that goes along with all this?
I know somehow that I can succeed in doing the impossible. I just need to focus my mind to it and somehow, let God’s grace in too…
Too much to be done in so little time… too many people to meet in a day… too many dreams in one lifetime.

peek into my crazy life this week:
-make letter for lola lilia
-submit requirements for ateneo mba (get picture taken and pass one more recommendation form)
-finish 30 UK companies this week, US company, once a day, and funds here and there...
-start on level 1 primer (hopefully)
-set agenda for tmrw's Panaginip meeting - print this one out. (marketing packages, event details, content of items for printing, get kat's fax of printers' contact details)
-create lay out for marketing and media packets.
-type up my sister's project (which is about 10-15 pages long.. sheeshh...)
-help sister out for her creative autobiography project
-tutor her for pisay exams (read: math math math)
----- >>get enough sleep while going to the office early?! i wish...

***live feeds were supposed to be only for a week, but this guy who provided me with access extended it for me! he's told me na if ever ive been cut off, i would just have to tell him so it gets reloaded... aint that nice?***

it's only now that i realize... how life can be so full, if you allow it to fill you up... but then you cant let it fill you up all the way to the brim... lest you--- well, drown...

please God, help me through this really exciting time of my life... :)