stuck

i can't go home yet.

yeah it's crazy. it's 2am, a Saturday (oops, Sunday na pala), and i'm stuck in the office. apparently, the elevators are being fixed or something, so i can't go down yet. good thing i'm not alone, Mark's here as well... to be stuck here with anyone is good period. wouldn't want to hear those weird noises and be unable to run away if i want to... nyahaha...

me stuck at the office.

now you ask, why the hell am i at the office at this day and time? well, i needed fast internet access while doing stuff for my class on Monday (which includes drafting their 2nd quarter exam)...

ok. so that's an excuse.
truth is - i don't want to go home yet.
because... my mom is there.

sigh. we just don't get along anymore! she is too domineering, and wants to rule over my life... and the minute she sees me lounging around, or having fun, she freaks out. seriously.
she sees me watching DVDs, she'll tell me i have to clean my room (which, by the way, she already cleaned after i told her not to because i don't want anyone else moving my stuff...)
she sees me resting, she'll tell me to get off my butt and exercise.
she sees me reading, she'll tell me to sort through my stuff to figure out which can be given away.

and there's the whole she-just-can't-let-it-go-that-i-am-all-grown-up-now and that i'd rather make my own decisions without her hovering around me, and yeah, she's went through all that stuff already, but come on, i wanna make my own mistakes too... besides, i'm not stupid enough to commit the usual mistakes...

when she starts talking, she can go on and on... and if i did something wrong or something she doesn't like, she can go for, like, 2 hours chronicling every single thing i did wrong, or maybe relate this single unacceptable thing i did to me being some sort of her worst child nightmare.

me stuck with the mom who doesn't trust me, and doesn't want to let me go.

i guess there is one reason for her paranoia. it's this relationship i'm in.

true, i am having doubts about this relationship... but i have too much love that i just can't let go yet. and i'm afraid i'll be tortured by the "what ifs" if i do let go. haha.

as i've said, i feel that i've given so much, my pride just won't be able to take it if this is all there is to this relationship. well, maybe it's not pride... it's that big big hope that there is so much more to this...

i guess i'm waiting for that one big thing to make me pack my bags and say "adios" to this relationship.

ok, that didn't sound good haha... like i'm waiting for everything to explode before i get out of a time bomb... sometimes i do feel like that. but, well... even if it's hard to, i... trust. maybe not trust him completely, or myself even... more on - that i trust God will make everything fall into place... or that God planned it to be like this.

me stuck in this semi-heartbreaking, semi-heartbursting relationship.

heartbursting being totally positive hehe... i considered heartwarming - but that was too bland... heartbursting is like - your heart bursts with so much love and happiness...

of course heartbreaks happen too. the heart just breaks... and mends... and breaks... and mends... and i wonder how long this will go on?

how stuck am i?