externalization?!
i am trying to achieve that state which is the opposite of "internalization"... ung you are totally detached from your life, or what you are feeling or what you are supposed to be feeling.
hehe, kaya todo ang sigaw ng incubus sa tenga ko. max volume. hehe. but i still am feeling bad that i wont be able to watch their concert later. i really really wish i could go. *sigh*
everything in my life is not so good. but i still try to find ways to not feel so pathetic. to smile while im bleeding inside (let me be melodramatic okay?!). a lot of people think that's brave, but really it's just an escape. so im really a coward. but keep thinking it's bravery, i wont object. haha.
ive done a really awful thing last night. something that i swore not to do, about seven years ago.
but it felt... good to do it. haha. baliw na nga ako. after i did that, i actually had a pleasant sleep, so how ironic can that be?
basta, im confused. pero what the hell. hehe. its better not to think about it no?
i just want to be happy. we all want to be happy.
pero i want to be happy in a way that i am so loved and appreciated na i wont find time to go and look back to my horrid past or keep thinking about every detail that has happened that can make me conclude something like, maybe, it shouldnt be this way...
haha. labo. but then, when did i really make sense?
during the seminar, i really felt like i was making sense. kaya i plan to take as many as i can, para gumana ung utak ko, para i can be bothered by something else besides the many wonderful complications in my life. hay buhay talaga.
later, i actually have plans to go to ccp and just hang out anywhere, just to hear incubus. haha. or maybe see a movie. dine somewhere nice. sit somewhere peaceful. alone. yep. treat myself right. alone. kasi lately, no one really treats me the way i want to be treated. i want to be worth it. worth being happy. parang ganun. kasi i know i deserve to be happy naman. we all deserve to be happy. and though ive done way too stupid things in the past, i know i deserve a treat. we all do.
*sigh*
kaya siguro, instead of thinking about the people who hurt you, and you trying so hard to understand them and giving them what they need, not leaving anything for yourself, baka mas-ok kung...deadma. and pamper yourself naman.
maybe it's my turn to be selfish, in a way?!
maybe. that's better than doing that stupid thing i did last night all over again. i dont want to feel like a nutcase lang. parang, i know im a nutcase, stop treating me like one na lang. haha. inexplain pa ba? e maslumabo. :D
nga pala, i finally know what my ideal profession would be (aside from being a travel journalist, a super cook mom, a showbiz talk show host, a love doctor, a mega-creative advertising consultant, a painter who paints miliion dollar paintings, an Oscar winning actress and the girl everyone adores and loves...) i want to be a resource speaker. hehe. na-inspire lang ako don sa seminar. and i heard they get paid really BIG bucks. o diba, you make preparations for a 2-3 day seminar, tapos u get paid more than what others earn for a month, or maybe even two...
nga pala, id like to give special mention to April Mabanes . *clap clap* she helped me through my kabaliwans the past few days, just by listening to me. hehe. also to She Siy, Abe Salazar, Jaimee Vistan, Lily Agito, Kyla Matias and Checos Escobar for being my YM friends... na kahit ano i-YM ko sa kanila, friends pa ren nila ako. hahaha. girlfriends... what would i do without them?!
Thank you God, for always showing me that, for always, not ALL is lost.
hehe, kaya todo ang sigaw ng incubus sa tenga ko. max volume. hehe. but i still am feeling bad that i wont be able to watch their concert later. i really really wish i could go. *sigh*
everything in my life is not so good. but i still try to find ways to not feel so pathetic. to smile while im bleeding inside (let me be melodramatic okay?!). a lot of people think that's brave, but really it's just an escape. so im really a coward. but keep thinking it's bravery, i wont object. haha.
ive done a really awful thing last night. something that i swore not to do, about seven years ago.
but it felt... good to do it. haha. baliw na nga ako. after i did that, i actually had a pleasant sleep, so how ironic can that be?
basta, im confused. pero what the hell. hehe. its better not to think about it no?
i just want to be happy. we all want to be happy.
pero i want to be happy in a way that i am so loved and appreciated na i wont find time to go and look back to my horrid past or keep thinking about every detail that has happened that can make me conclude something like, maybe, it shouldnt be this way...
haha. labo. but then, when did i really make sense?
during the seminar, i really felt like i was making sense. kaya i plan to take as many as i can, para gumana ung utak ko, para i can be bothered by something else besides the many wonderful complications in my life. hay buhay talaga.
later, i actually have plans to go to ccp and just hang out anywhere, just to hear incubus. haha. or maybe see a movie. dine somewhere nice. sit somewhere peaceful. alone. yep. treat myself right. alone. kasi lately, no one really treats me the way i want to be treated. i want to be worth it. worth being happy. parang ganun. kasi i know i deserve to be happy naman. we all deserve to be happy. and though ive done way too stupid things in the past, i know i deserve a treat. we all do.
*sigh*
kaya siguro, instead of thinking about the people who hurt you, and you trying so hard to understand them and giving them what they need, not leaving anything for yourself, baka mas-ok kung...deadma. and pamper yourself naman.
maybe it's my turn to be selfish, in a way?!
maybe. that's better than doing that stupid thing i did last night all over again. i dont want to feel like a nutcase lang. parang, i know im a nutcase, stop treating me like one na lang. haha. inexplain pa ba? e maslumabo. :D
nga pala, i finally know what my ideal profession would be (aside from being a travel journalist, a super cook mom, a showbiz talk show host, a love doctor, a mega-creative advertising consultant, a painter who paints miliion dollar paintings, an Oscar winning actress and the girl everyone adores and loves...) i want to be a resource speaker. hehe. na-inspire lang ako don sa seminar. and i heard they get paid really BIG bucks. o diba, you make preparations for a 2-3 day seminar, tapos u get paid more than what others earn for a month, or maybe even two...
nga pala, id like to give special mention to April Mabanes . *clap clap* she helped me through my kabaliwans the past few days, just by listening to me. hehe. also to She Siy, Abe Salazar, Jaimee Vistan, Lily Agito, Kyla Matias and Checos Escobar for being my YM friends... na kahit ano i-YM ko sa kanila, friends pa ren nila ako. hahaha. girlfriends... what would i do without them?!
Thank you God, for always showing me that, for always, not ALL is lost.
posted by anna at
12:46 PM
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